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Everybody Unexpectedly Simultaneously Retires
Despite everybody being on the verge of setting the all-time
record for longevity in the role of themselves,
everybody suddenly unexpectedly simultaneously retired
anyway, yesterday, ending the multi-million-year
hegemony of everyone falsely believing they actually had
to actually, you know, do something, for no
apparent reason.
CNN Goes All Wacky
According to MSNBC, CNN went all wacky today and
couldn't move its camera but just kept it hovering there
over a crime scene that was just sooooooo yesterday's crime
scene, repeating repeatedly how the suspect just might
still be there even though he's already been found shot
dead miles away. According to CNN, their
ultra-sensitive cameras have detected something going on
at the teeny tiny little curled up 12th or 13th
dimension of superstring theory level of reality, or in
a teeny tiny universe butt off this one from a black
hole and then sneaking back and re-attaching someplace
else via some meta-cosmic back door. Anyway, down at
this level, the killer's anti-matter self has already
returned to the scene and is preparing to....
Disgruntled Day Traders Rampage Through World Financial
Capitals
Disgruntled day traders rampaged through world financial
markets, yesterday, apparently disgruntled not only over
how like some stocks or something had actually, like,
gone down, or something, but also by like how
disgruntled postal workers and and disgruntled high
school students were getting all the fuckin media
coverage while disgruntled day-traders were getting
squat or diddley or whatever.
Market Afraid to Ever Go Down Again
The guys who control the so-called "Market" awoke in fear
this morning of the
potential collective wrath of disgruntled day-traders
should they ever again allow any stock to
ever go down again. Even by a point. Ever. Any stock
at all. You got that!
CNN Buys Fragrance, Changes Name, Or Something
CNN has apparently today bought the fragrance "Obsession"
from whichever dumbass clothesass fashionass company or
whatever makes it and markets it to poor starving
children who can't even afford to pay their electric
bill despite being involved in serious discussions about
possible billion dollar IPOs. CNN, the Compulsive News
Network, as a result of the merger, will become OCNN,
the Obsessive Compulsive News Network, and immediately
enter a treatment program, which it will obsessively
cover on air, round the clock.
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"Not since Atilla the Hun have we seen such bad conflict
resolution skills," he said to her of some recent mass
murderer or other, as they drove recklessly around town
spraying aerosolized anthrax out the back window in a
(failed) attempt to (only) induce illness in the
population.
ELECTRICITY
Light bulbs are your friend
FINANCIAL
Markets Up; Day-traders quiet
POST OFFICE STUFF
Disgruntled Postal Workers growing even more disgruntled over Disgruntled
Day Traders getting all the media coverage
SUICIDE
Attempted suicides now demanding top celebs personally come talk them out of
it
LARRY KING
Larry King tops list of top celebs attempted suicides most often demand to
come talk them out of it
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