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Reform Party Will Reform Schools for "Our Children"
The formerly wacky but now totally respectable due to
its intimate connection with "professional wrestling"
Reform Party released its party platform for the year
2000 today. "We need to totally reform our school
system and turn our old crappy schools into new
modernized reform schools," the Reform Party
platform states.
New Welfare Machine Provides Safety Net for All
Americans
IBM today announced a new Pentium III-based Welfare
Machine which will provide the much sought-after safety
net for all Americans. "The welfare seeker simply puts
a quarter or a silver dollar in the little slot and
pulls the little handle," said an IBM spokesman. "Then
the welfare seeker takes off his or her hat and places
it under a large opening at the bottom of the machine
where it is either filled with quarters or with a single
bullet, as determined by current Las Vegas betting
odds."
MIT or MTV Announces New Line Of Gun Booths
MIT or MTV today announced a new line of Pentium
III-based gun booths which operate much like telephone
booths. "You just take a bullet out of your pocket,"
said a spokesperson from MIT or MTV, "insert it in this
chamber, here, and sit in this chair, here, and then
this mounted .357 Magnum, here, is micro-adjusted by our
2-billion lines of code artificial intelligence software
to provide you with a totally clean severing of your
corpus callosum, thereby permanently terminating
your awareness of what shitty rotten bad luck you have
on those damn welfare machines."
MIT or MTV discovers cause of extreme high temperatures
A team of leading researchers at MIT or MTV has
discovered the apparent cause of the high temperatures
currently being experienced by much of the country.
"The extreme high temperatures currently being
experienced by much of the country are, apparently,
caused by, you know, it being really really hot," said
Harvard and MIT and Yale and Princeton and Caltech and
Stanford president, Rebecca Kramer.
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According to so-called "Fed" chairman Alan Greenspan,
most of our current economic success is based on a 2.5%
increase in Productivity which is entirely due to
a 2.5% productivity increase in the production of deadly
greenhouse gasses produced by workers spending hours
each day stuck in stalled freeway traffic going to and
from jobs where, as a result of everybody being worn out
and pissed off by the time they get there, nothing ever
gets done.
COSMOLOGY
Whoops, Vodka Discovered On Sun Was Actually Only On
Telescope Lens
WORLD NEWS
World Declares Chapter 11; Dares Anybody To Do Anything About It
AVIATION
New In-Air Theme Park Provides Thrill of REAL Near Misses
FOOD
New Microwave Technique Turns Puke Back Into Lunch For Unsuspecting In-Air
Theme Park Goers
ENTERTAINMENT
Ricky Martin Gearing Up For Comeback Try
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