The Washington Pissed

(Tustin, CA - Nov 11) Legendary actor Keanu Reeves was like all "Whooooa!" today upon hearing that the Supreme Court had appointed him to be interim US President for the next 6 months until permanent US President, Lucy Liu, returns from location shooting in Africa to assume the full duties of the office.

The Supreme Court decided to appoint Reeves acting US President yesterday in order to partially compensate for and try to make itself feel a little less bummed out about its dumbass fuckup of appointing that douchebag Bush President back in 2000.

"I'm very sorry we appointed that douchebag Bush President in 2000," Cheap Justice Rehnquist said, "and so, after breaking down and watching the Matrix for the first time on TBS last night, and learning that Keanu Reeves is "the one", I've decided to appoint him to be President for the next 6 months until Lucy Liu gets back from Africa."

Rhenquist said that when the Supreme Court made the mistake of appointing Bush, they'd just gotten back from a tail-gating party and "it was really just the liquor talking" -- or, in the case of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, just the acid.

Lucy Liu was appointed permanent president of the US last week by me, because she is easily the coolest person who's ever lived, and if you have the coolest person who ever lived, living in your country, it is incredibly stupid not to immediately appoint her permanent President, which is what I did after smoking some black stuff I scraped off the vines outside.

Also, to further set things right, I have made the additional following permanent appointments:

Julie Delpy will be Vice President.

John Malkovich will be Secretary of State.

My Bloody Valentine will be Secretary of Defense.

Sunny Day Real Estate will be ambassador to the United Nations (even if they broke up).

Letitia of Stereolab will be director of the Centers for Disease Control

Asimo, the Honda robot, will be secretary of health and human services

Robert Downey Jr. will, of course, be Drug Czar.

And Sleater-Kinney will direct the Central Intelligence Agency.

(Simi Valley, CA - Nov 11) Legendary porno star Ron Jeremy was appointed the first openly gay Pope by the Supreme Court today.

The Supreme Court said it thought Jeremy would make an outstanding openly gay Pope because of, you know, reasons.

The current Pope, who is not openly gay, offered to become openly gay in order to keep on being Pope, but the Supreme Court said it was too little too late and appointed Jeremy anyway because he became openly gay more than a week ago, and by the time the current Pope would have caught up and been as openly gay as Ron Jeremy, hell would have frozen over.

According to Vatican sources, when Jeremy becomes Pope the current Pope will take over in upcoming Charlie's Angels sequels for Lucy Liu who will be too busy being

President of the United States to make any more lame Charlie's Angels films, though she may not be too busy to make some more lame Ecks vs. Severs films which I saw about 5 minutes of on HBO recently -- but had to turn it off cause there were actually characters in it other than Lucy Liu and, you know, it's really stupid if you have Lucy Liu in your film, to have anybody else in it and then to waste everybody's time by actually including THEM in the frame, especially if it's in lieu of Lucy Liu.

Jeremy said his first act as the first openly gay Pope would be to tape a big blowup of his cock over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to cover up all the crappy old graffitti there. He also told a cheering crowd of Bishops, Knights, rooks and pawns, that he'd incorporate dildos into the Liturgy as soon as possible if they weren't already there.

(Namby Pamby, TX - Nov 11) A spokesperson for President Bush announced today that President Bush would be becoming openly gay really soon in order not to miss out on the latest cool new craze of being openly gay. "The President will become openly gay probably early next week," the spokesperson announced.

Despite the announcement however, the spokesperson was quick to deny that Bush was only becoming openly gay in order to capture the rapidly growing demographic of people who are not only openly gay, but are also ACTUALLY gay -- you know, like, FOR REAL.

The spokeperson also denied that becoming openly gay was part of a cynical ploy to avoid being replaced by Keanu Reeves for the next 6 months until Lucy Liu gets back from shooting on location in Africa and takes over the presidency permanently.

"President Bush is becoming openly gay," said the spokesperson, "because it is the right thing to do. It is the right thing to do for our country and the right thing to do for our freedom... And for our democracy.... And for our constitution."

However several openly gay NFL quarterbacks and wide receivers protested Bush becoming openly gay, saying it was just a poltical stunt, and that if he went ahead with becoming bogusly openly gay then it would make all other currently REALLY openly gay heterosexuals look like a buncha douchebags and therefore they would all immediately and totally STOP being openly gay, though they weren't sure yet whether that meant they would have to stop being just openly or stop being just gay or actually stop being both at the same time.

However, the fifth openly gay Supreme Court justice, Rehnquist, has intervened saying if the NFL openly gay quarterbacks and wide receivers stop being openly gay he will sentence them all immediately to the electric chair for failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign partially covered over by a tree.

Bush's spokesperson said that as soon as Bush finished becoming openly gay and before being removed from office to make way for Keanu Reeves or Lucy Liu, he would, of course, appoint Liza Minelli Secretary of State and Bette Middler head of the FBI. He also said he'd appoint the Village People to be Secretary of, you know, the Interior.

"It's the least an openly gay American president can do to honor our great openly gay American heritage," the spokesman said Bush said.