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"I have fought the battle of Antietam and the battle of Camp Cukamunga, and have sweat blood and bullets and frogs and boils and lice for these fucking letters," entertainment industry master-shill, Jack Valenti, told journalists, yesterday, "So I hope you're all fucking happy now, and I can leave this thankless job and get back to babes and booze and, of course, my beautiful family." Valenti, former butt-boy for mass-murdering, psychopathic, former US President, Lyndon B. Johnson, had just finished laying out his jive-ass list of numbers and letters that constituted the new TV ratings system by which righteous American parents would now be able to keep their sociopathic, psychotic children holy and pure. "So anybody who doesn't like this ratings system can just go fuck herself," Valenti told an assembly of PTA treasurers and recording secretaries, in the freight elevator of the Washington Hilton, going down. The system consists of just 2 categories, designed specifically for the, uh, cognitive capacity of the average American parent. Category R, for "Restricted," would be applied to all TV shows containing violent language used during consensual, incestual sodomy accentuated by acts of mutual mutilation. Category C, for "Cool," would be applied to everything else. Valenti's rating system, which he'd thrown together the night before, while sodomizing his daughter and screaming "you c*cks*ck*ng m*th*rf*ck*r," was met with some skepticism by the many righteous parental groups jammed into the tiny freight elevator. Valenti, however, quickly got very personal in defense of his system. "I realized something, just last night, while buggering my 20-year old daughter and swearing out loud, he said. "I realized that, if we'd also been mutually mutilating each other, that I definitely wouldn't have wanted our 6-year-old daughter to see it. Not At All!!" Unsatisfied, and despite threats from Valenti to get all Joe Pesci on their ass if they didn't accept his disingenuous crap, the parental groups called him a "shit-eating slimebucket," and presented their own ratings system -- for which they had, apparently, fought the Battle of Algiers and the Battle of the Bulge, and had sweat buckets of tears and cerebro-spinal fluid. Much more specific as to content than Pesci's ... uh, Valenti's system, it includes the following categories:
And, by then, of course, most of today's violent, foul-mouthed, sex-crazed kids will have grown up and killed their parents and each other and everyone else -- so the V-chip and the TV ratings system won't really be, uh, necessary, now, will they.
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