Whoops! US Leads Slouch Towards World Stock Collapse
Greenspan Remarks Spark
Stock Market Crash
The stock market totally crashed its fucking ass off
today, with Dow's Industrial Jones dropping like 6000
points to about 500, where it probably hasn't fucking
been since around 1936 or so.
The crash came as a direct result of loudmouth Federal
Reserve Chairman, Milton or Marvin or Melvin or
something Greenspan, saying that like "Stocks are really
a load of shit, and American boomers, yuppies and
gen-Xers or whatever, have been royally duped into
dumping all their hard fucking earned savings into lame
mutual funds run by alcoholics, heroin addicts, and
child molesters."
Veteran market analysts, who've all just recently
graduated from local community colleges with AAs in Poly
Sci, cautioned the American people to "Like, not get all
spooked or anything -- and just hang on to your
worthless mutual funds cause these things, like, all go
in, like, cycles and, like, it'll all come back in a
few, uh, years, and, you know, like, uh, just, uh, keep,
uh, you know?"
Jobless Claims Drop by
8000, Spark Stock Market Crash
According to the US Bureau of Laborious Statistics, 8000
fewer people are running around bitching about not
receiving an adequate number of blowjobs last month,
than were running around bitching about not receiving an
adequate number of blowjobs, the month before. "This
may be good for the people," said a Bureau of
Laboriousness statistician, "Cause it means there's less
sexual tension in the population. But it really pisses
off the stock brokers when they, like, stop hearing all
those 'no blowjob' tales of woe, so they get really
antsy, sell off like crazy, and the market crashes and everybody
gets wiped out. Yawn."
Shortage of Nintendo 64s
Cause World Markets to Tank
According to the American Association for the
Advancement of Pre-Adolescent Hyper-consumerism, kids
are not responsible for the massive shortage of
Nintendo's new game machine. Instead, the entire
pre-Christmas inventory has been bought up by aging
boomers who think the "64" means the machine will, like,
bring back 1964, and by novice sex-therapists who
think "64" is, like, a new sex act.
Astronauts Get Obnoxious,
Ground Control Response Crashes Stock Market
NASA ground control technicians have stopped taking
calls from astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia
or Challenger or whatever, which was due to return to
earth several days ago. "Man, those losers up there
just started gettin' real ugly and abusive over the
phone," said Chief Ground Controller, Rebecca Kramer, of
Barstow, CA, "So we just stopped taking their fucking
calls." When asked when the shuttle would be
returning to earth, Kramer responded, "Uhh, shuttle?
Shuttle? Oh yeah, right. The shuttle. You mean last
week's flavor-of-the-month? I mean, like, what's the
shuttle done for me lately. Around here, we're
all into the Mars thing. The shuttle's just an old bad
joke, just another one of yesterday's tasteless cons,
like leisure suits, or the internet."