Seattle, London Greet Holiday Season With Joyous Celebration
Spontaneous joyous celebrations poured out from peoples' hearts in major cities around the world last night, in order to thank the cosmos, or evolution or DNA or whoever, for creating a gracious world where it is now possible to drive a neverending procession of SUVs through a neverending succession of Starbucks plate glass windows for the remainder of History, without ever, like snowflakes or fingerprints, driving the same SUV through the same Starbucks plate glass window more than once.

Bodies of Former Bush Coke Buddies Found In Mexican Mass Grave
The bodies of over 100 former coke-snortin' good ole frat boy buddies of good-ole lightweight Texas Governor George W. Bush were found in a mass grave in Mexico yesterday, right across the border from Texas where lightweight frat boy George W. Bush serves as governor.

Mexican "police" blamed the murders on, "you know, some blah blah drug cartel thingie or other," stating that it was obviously just a coincidence that all 100 of the deceased were former fratboy coke-snortin' good ole buddies of George W. Bush, and were murdered on the way to "speak with" various investigative journalists.

People Tired of Seeing All Those Damn Races On TV
A recent survey of a statistically random sampling of individuals nationwide reveals that 95% of all people feel that there are far too many Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, and Asians on TV and in the movies, and would like to see these numbers drastically reduced.

According to the survey of over 1000 statistically significant people, there is no racial or ethnic category whatsoever that the people would like to see all those damn Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, and Asians, replaced by.

"We are just generally pretty sick of seeing any kind of people at all on TV, and would much rather just see anti-stories about objects and concepts," the Survey claimed the people claimed.

Blair Witch Project, Human Genome Project To Merge
In an attempt to gain dominance in the lucrative "project" market, last summer's popular "Blair Witch Project" has purchased the somewhat less popular and less complex, Human Genome Project, for $100 million dollars in cutting room floor.

The new merged film/project/company/whatever, to be known as the Blair Genome Project, will combine the strengths of both operations and, by focussing just on Blair's genome rather than the whole big fucking human genome, should be done with that project that much faster, so they can immediately move on to the next projects like the Witch Genome Project, the Blair Human Project, and the Witch Human Project, to name just 3 of the many hundreds of thousands of new projects that can now be realized through the merger of these two powerhouse projects.

MEDICINE/E-COMMERCE
Average Joe wins eBay hOspital Chief of Neurosurgery slot with $9K bid!!

HIGH FINANCE
Slimy Real Estate "Billionaire" Donald Schmuck sets up world's cheapest piece of shit website to beg for money