Nihilist-Worker Candidate Calls For No More Fucking Dumbass Shitwork
Calling for an end to all of capitalism's dumbass shitwork as we know it, Nihilist-Workers Party presidential candidate, Hollis Mosher III, also called, today, for an end to music being reduced to just the static it produces on the other end of being transmitted great distances through adverse atmospheric conditions.

Anderson-Lee Reveals Platform
Actress Pamela Anderson-Lee accepted the presidential nomination of the Reform Party today, saying she would run on a platform of immediate all-out nuclear war against any country that tried to cut off our unlimited supply of collagen. Lee also claimed she'd save Medicare by making it pay for only cosmetic surgery "because -- as most of the American people know by now -- that's really all there is."

AOL Gene Mandatory By 2002
President Register today signed legislation making it mandatory for all children born after midnight, Dec 31, 2001, to contain the gene for receiving AOL anywhere, anytime without a modem. The gene, when expressed in the newborn, constructs a tiny Motorola wireless receiver in the brain out of excess Serotonin. It then instantly and constantly receives all AOL downloads of ball scores, stock prices, and local traffic and weather.

AT&T Gene Mandatory, Starting Tomorrow
Starting tomorrow, anyone who doesn't already have the gene for getting ALL their communications services from AT&T -- whether these services actually work or not, or even exist -- will have to go into special centers to be retrofitted

WWF Launches Educational Software
The World Wrestling Federation moved its brand name into yet another modality of culture today by releasing a line of WWF-branded educational software.

The first title in the series is designed to teach problem-solving skills to adolescents, by showing them how to solve problems using only simple items found around the house -- like folding chairs, utility tables, and oil tankers filled with raw sewage.

WWF Buys CSPAN
The WWF announced today that it will be starting not just another sports entertainment program but, rather, a whole new concept in sports entertainment programming, with its purchase early this morning of the CSPAN family of cable TV, radio, book publishing and school indoctrination enterprises.

Rather than turning CSPAN into just a more rowdy, raucous, brutal, offensive, stupid, ugly version of its current self, WWF will use CSPAN to turn wrestling into a calmer, more objective, more dispassionate, quieter, more cerebral form of its current self, where viewers will learn to call in and berate scumbag wrestlers with style and grace.