Yesterday, apparently, somebody made a so-called "budget deal" with somebody else and, apparently, everybody was so happy about it that they all went out and scarfed down huge racks of lamb in one gulp, to celebrate.

But the deal was only for, like, $500 billion, so, like, why have even fucking bothered?

Anyway, in order to help pass the time between death and the end of the world, here are the precise details of just exactly how the precious $500 billion will be divided up.

$249 Billion will go to a project in Newt Gingrich's hometown, which will police all sci-fi anti-novels of the future and make sure they're written in sections short enough to be read entirely while holding in a single hit of pot.

$248 Billion will go to Henry Hyde so he can do intensive research to determine the answer to the question, "Yes, but where is the face-sitting oral madness? The lesbo hooch humps?"

$10 billion will go to Tom Delay to personally train clandestine para-military troops to deal with the consequences of actually finding out just where the face sitting oral madness and the lesbo hooch humps really are.

$20 billion will go to Dick Armey's wife to develop a complete line of expensive clothing designed specifically for losers going nowhere.

$20 billion will go to George W. Bush to make sure nobody cheats during the upcoming November electrocutions.

$20 Billion will go to assist AOL in convincing the public that AOL is unquestionably "the home shopping network for pedophiles and child pornographers."

$20 Billion will go to pay Microsoft to check all incoming and outgoing e-mail to protect end users from accidental misspellings of words like "cumshot" or "blowjob" or from typographical errors like writing "man, what an utter fucking piece of shit Windows is," where the phrase "utter fucking piece of shit" is a common typographical error for the phrase "exciting piece of software."

$100 Billion will go towards a facility in Washington DC, that'll teach people how to be all sweet and sincere while at the same time being totally intellectually dishonest.

$20 Billion will go to John Kasich to create new jobs for all the smart-asses coming out of places like Stanford, MIT, and MTV.

$90 Billion will go to pay somebody to go back through all these bogus budget numbers and fudge them around so that absolutely nothing is changed but, suddenly, taken together, they all add up to the right number. Love it or leave it.