The Wine House -- (Sept 18) -- Apparently, according to CNN or internet gossip columnist The New York Times, they have finally gotten total global economic collapse right this time. Hallelujah!

In honor of the arrival of this much anticipated event, The Washington Pissed editorial staff has carefully listened, over and over again, to all audio recordings made during the 8 month period leading up to today's apparently utter total global economic collapse, and has put together the following chronological summary of events:

Summary of Events

Apparently, it all started when this guy, Lou Insky, sent a sex candle over the intern net to the popular pop group The Residents in their place of residence, The Wine House.

The Residents were all dressed in Paul Lajones suits at the time, and committing purging under an oaf, and, boy, were their arms tired. But they lit the sex candle anyway, and instantly, they could all tell it was a peach mint sex candle, and the next morning, a torn-knee general came by and made them open up their formerly secret trance crypts to the public.

At that point, according to CNN, the Residents suddenly didn't wanna wear no steeenking Paul Lajones suits no more and wanted to wear furs instead, so, of course, they went to the Furs Lady.

They traded the sex candle from Mr. Insky to the Furs Lady and then the Furs Lady took it to the House of Reprehensibles, not to try to score points, but to try to score church policies.

But when she got there, Reprehensible DeLaid told her that if she wanted to score church policies, she was outta luck and would have to either eat the Insky sex candle herself, or else melt it down and drink it hot with majority whip cream on it.

Then he joined the other members of the House of Reprehensibles and placed his right hand on his hardt and solemnly pledged a leech-ant to the flag, and to the republic for Richard Stans.