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Dying Drunk Predicted MS Vapor Paris, FR - (Sept 16) - Trevor Rees-Jones, you know, the Princess bodyguard who didn't quite live up to his job description yet did live to tell about it, held a paparazzi-only press conference, today, in which he blamed the crash of Di's or Dodi's or Dodi's daddy's Mercedes, on the same molecular-alien force which has apparently also been crashing stealth fighter-bombers, and C-150 transports up the wazoo. Aside from that, he also said the following:
So, OK, so Henri Paul's driving and I'm in the passenger
seat, and he's sayin' like, "Hey Rees, (he called me
Rees), Whaddya think a 'Royale With Cheese' is called in
America?" and I'm about to answer when he suddenly
starts havin' -- not an acid flashback, but more like an
acid flash-forward.
"Shit, man," he starts saying, "Sometimes I think
culture's just a big focus group, without a focus. And
politics is just the ad agency that goes out and lies
about it when it's over, no matter what."
Then, as we got near the tunnel, he starts screaming,
"Nature will END if we all don't buy her tee-shirt!!
It's cool!! Believe me!! It's just black with white
letters that say, N-A-T-U-R-E! It's only $19.95 and
it's definitely a good cause!"
He starts to hit the brakes so we could all get out and
use one of the call boxes to order some tee-shirts, but
he caught himself at the last minute and we proceeded
into the tunnel. I looked back at Princess Di and Dodi
and they were laughing cause they thought he was just
horsing around. That Henri. What a character.
Suddenly, at the first pillar he starts having Phen-Fen
withdrawal symptoms. He pulls some broccoli sprouts out
of the pocket of his jacket and stuffed them in his
mouth as fast as he could to counteract the nausea. The
car started swerving as he tilted his head back and we
almost glanced off the 3rd pillar, but not quite.
"What zee fuck, Man," I couldn't keep myself from
blurting out, in French. Then we almost hit the wall on
the right. Henri went faster so I wouldn't try to get
control.
"It's become clear to me," he started saying, "That all
aspects of cognition have been evolving, EXCEPT
emotion. The only thing that's hardwired in the whole
fucking human control system is fucking emotions!" he
was screaming and then he craned his neck all the way
around to stare at Dodi and Di and let them know their
asshole behavior wasn't doing anything to make things
any better.
He sorta sped up as he twisted around and finally I
hadda grab the wheel or we would've hit the 8th pillar
for sure -- but as soon as I did, he caught it and
turned and grabbed it back from me, and screamed don't
you EVER do that again. He swerved the car right and
left to emphasize the point and as the screeches grew
louder from the cars behind us slamming on their brakes,
we smashed head-on into the 13th pillar.
"You asshole, Henri," I sputtered over the sounds of
groaning creaking metal and the echoes of shattered
safety-glass, "What the fuck have you done?"
"It looks like we just may have to delay the release of
Windows 98 after all, eh, Trevor," he said.
"Why is that?" Dodi groaned from the back seat.
"That is because the Nothing -- the absolute NOTHING
that is happening in the market -- is happening way too
fast," he said. "Way too fast."
Some steam from the remnants of the engine wafted by the
remnants of the windshield.
"What is the equation that turns this useless steam into
light?" Dodi asked, still not totally with it.
"Obviously," Henri said, "It's the same equation that
milks value out of celebrity. Since celebrity has no
intrinsic value, it can only accrue value like the hub
of a space station, by attaching modules until there's
an ecosystem that would fly apart and die if the
hub/celeb weren't there. That's why they called her
Princess Di, I guess."
And then he died.
The next thing I remember is calling this press
conference.
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