Whitewater Special Prosecutor, Ken Starr, finally sent his much ballyhooed, so-called "report" to the so-called "Congress" today, but not before first sending it to the Washington Pissed in order to have our highly-trained editorial staff add some, like, much needed "motherfucker"s and "whatever"s and "you know"s, so the otherwise yawner text wouldn't sound so fucking, you know, LAME.

Though we have sworn a solemn oath not to, in any way, reveal any of the contents of this report, whatsoever, I, uhh, guess someone's, like, finger, or something, must have accidentally slipped and hit some random return key, or something, causing the following verbatim transcript of the report to be accidentally posted below, complete and unedited, except for, of course, some strategic "fucking"s, and "like, whatever"s added by our crack team of crack-addled editors.

My Report
by Ken Starr

Dear Congress,

Did you ever hate a guy so much you wanted to impeach his fuckin' ass the moment he was born?

Hi, I'm Ken Starr, and this is my report about how you can do just that, albeit belatedly.

In this so-called "report," I am going to tell you a story about all the slimy and wretched and horrible and mean and ugly things that that man, Mister Clinton, has done to you and me and to, of course, our poor starving, violent, mass-murdering, scumbag children.

First of all, this Clinton guy's, like, ALWAYS on acid. Always! The first thing he does when he gets up in the morning to go to work for the American people, is he licks some blotter paper or something, and goes sailing off on some trip. If you know what I mean.

So, like, what kind of example is that for our President to set for our poor miserable fucked-up vicious children -- who, as everybody knows, should be doing fresh peyote buttons every morning, NOT acid.

Second of all, Clinton, being one of those fucking 60's hippies, is, like, always humming Inna Gadda Da Vida, and sometimes even stops right in the middle of a state of the Union address to suddenly accompany himself on air guitar or, you know, air organ.

This is another bad moral example to set for our tragic, hopeless, pathetic children, since guitar-based rock 'n roll is, like, just soooo OVER, and they should be playing, like, air accordion or air ocarina -- NOT air guitar -- and they should be humming songs by, like, Fudge Tunnel -- NOT by, like, Iron Butterfly.

Third of all, because he is a mass murdering Charles Manson 60's hippie, when you go to visit him in his oval office, there's always, like, incense burning and herbal tea brewing and Ravi Shankar or George Harrison playing ragas in the background, and he's always wearing like bell bottoms and paisley shirts, and saying, Oh wow, and when you walk in, he shakes your hand and sticks a big fat joint in your mouth and forces you to toke it all down, before he'll even listen to the details of your so-called "appropriation" bill.

This is also a bad example to set for our moronic children and also for our high-energy physicists -- for reasons that are just too filthy and obscene to talk about here.

Forth, because he is a sex maniac, he is always getting blow jobs while important international dignitaries are left twiddling their thumbs out in the oval office waiting room, and he has even had the FBI and CIA and DEA and ATF and the Mafia, build a compact wireless device he can stick in his pants so he can get constant blowjobs while sitting in church on Sunday listening to some sanctimonious hypocritical sermon about how if you're humming Inna Gadda Da Vida while getting a CIA high-tech blowjob in Church on Sunday, then you should definitely be impeached up the wazoo.

Case closed.

Thank you very much, fellow scuzzbuckets, and I hope you like my report.

Sincerely,

Kenneth W. Starr

PS: In the interest of full disclosure I must admit that all the "motherfucker"s and "fucking"s and "shitbag"s and "slimebucket"s and "whatever"s and "you know"s in this report have been supplied by the crack editorial team at the Washington Pissed -- and they are also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.