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Hotwired Re-Designs Website!!!
Hotwired, which is apparently a website, or
something, has apparently re-designed its website, or
something.
According to Hotwired's CEO, Tom Asspinchin, the
purpose of the re-design is to make the website look
different from the way it used to look.
"Our new re-designed website," Mr. Asspinchin stated,
"now definitely looks different from the way it used to
look."
Apparently, however, according to Asspinchin's
therapist, Dr. Hollis Mosher III of Billerica, Mass., a
subconscious and, therefore, more honest goal of the
exciting new Hotwired re-design is to keep people
so confused and pissed off, that they simply forget
about trying to figure out just what the fuck
Hotwired actually is or why it even
fucking exists in the first place.
Almost immediately following the announcement of the
exciting new Hotwired re-design, The Journal
of New England Unions of Concerned Cattle Ranchers and
Former Grateful Dead Lyricists came out and
condemned it as an affront to effrontery itself --
thereby turning the whole affair into an
emotion-drenched story that was immediately picked up
and carried round the world by Hotwired.
And, in as far away as Ireland, the President of the
United States, Garth Register Jr., took time out from
his busy schedule of being impeached and chewed on by
hyenas, to announce how proud he was of
Hotwired's stellar and ground-breaking and
breath-taking accomplishments.
"I think it's safe to say," said the President, "that
most of the incredible growth in our economy over the
past 5 years has come almost entirely from Hotwired
re-designing its website. Re-designing its website, I
might add, in order to meet the ever-changing needs of
the American people, for the 21st century."
The President also announced that as soon as he got home
from his foreign trip, he would actually spend the time
to find out just what the fuck it was that
Hotwired actually did. "But I'm sure
whatever it is," he said, "it is very cool. VEERRRRRRRY
cool."
International Child Pornography Ring Gets Smashed
An International ring of 4- and 5-year-old children
selling Triple XXX rated HOT HOT HOT Lesbian Bondage Sex
tapes to innocent 70- and 80-year-olds, was smashed wide
open, today, as police, FBI, and ATF agents, raided
bedrooms and pre-schools all over the world.
"The most insidious and vicious things these 4- and
5-year-olds were selling," said Chief O. Justice, of the
World Police, "were films of adults performing perverse
sex acts, under the direction of 6- and 7-year-old
directors, and shot entirely on location by 8-year-old
wunderkind cinematographers."
Dow Jones Introduces New Random Number Generator
The Dow Jones Corporation, the inventors of the
so-called "Wall" Street Journal, "news" paper,
today, announced a whole new line of random number
generators, to replace their beat-up old line of
supposedly "calculated number" generators, which are
used to feed ostensible stock quotes and stock results
to the stark, market-watching masses.
"The random number generators give a better
approximation of human understanding of just what the
fuck is really going on," a spokesman for the so-called
"company" told reporters. "That's why, by the end of
the year, we'll be using random number generators
exclusively for all our results. Love it
or leave it."
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