There's Just All This Stuff!! Study Finds
A study just completed by the Hey We Just Completed a Study Foundation, has apparently found that, apparently, there's just all this, you know, stuff!!"

"Now, if we could just," the study concluded, "figure all this stuff, you know, out."

Raging Bull Market Just Big Stoned-Out Boomer Munchie, Report Reveals
According to a report published in this week's Economist, the raging US bull market has absolutely nothing at all to do with federal monetary policy or federal fiscal policy or American business practises or corporate earnings or even the massive bogus internet/hi-tech boom, but is rather simply the obvious result of tens of millions of residually stoned-out boomers just all simultaneously having one big belated final attack of, you know, the munchies.

AA Becomes 3rd Party, Tracking Stock, Low-Budge Production Company
Encouraged by the success of reformed hardcore alcoholic President George W. Bush, Alcoholics Anonymous, the largest collection of sanctimonious self-righteous former drunks in the world, today, announced they were gonna change a few words in their business plan and become the 5th or 6th US 3rd party.

"We feel," said Alcoholics Anonymous president, Joe Anonymous, "that it's time for self-righteous, sanctimonious, reformed alcoholic assholes to start running the country."

When informed that they already do, except maybe for the reformed part, Anonymous said, "Well, OK, then I guess Alcoholics Anonymous will just have to become an internet tracking stock instead."

When informed that the market was already glutted with bogus internet tracking stocks, Anonymous said, "Well, OK, I guess we'll just give some AA people a couplea cameras and let 'em film each other being sanctimonious and self-righteous for a couplea hours, then edit it down to a $100 million dollar grossing film."

Dole Picks Goldberg
President Elizabeth Dole today, selected Whoopi Goldberg to be her Vice President of the United States, to replace Spiro Agnew who stepped down last week to start his own website and low budget film production company. If confirmed by Archer, Daniels, Midland, Goldberg would become the first black woman vice president with a Jewish name, since Dan Quayle.

ENTERTAINMENT
Humor's just a joke, study finds

PHYSICS
Glitch found in Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle -- so now everything's totally (gulp!) CERTAIN!

MEDICINE
"I'm sorry, but there's no doctor for what you've got"

SCIENCE
Microsoft blames Windows glitch on users watching too much MTV

COMMUNICATIONS
Gore offers 4 cents a minute, everyday