Drug Use Down 50%!! Despite Everybody's Still Always Being Constantly Totally Stoned On Their Ass All the Time
According to the government's annual drug use survey, released today, "just about everybody in America is pretty much just about constantly totally stoned on their ass ALL THE TIME."

But according to HHA Secretary Donna Shalala (immortalized in the Eric Clapton hit of the same name), "This is excellent news -- because it represents a 50% decrease from last year, when everybody and his brother was totally stoned on their ass all the time.

Bush Picks Sheen, Promises One World Frat House
Saying it was time to put the "party" back in party politics, Republican President George W. Bush picked Charlie Sheen, today, to be his Vice President of the United States.

"It's time to put an end to all this sanctimonious uptight right-wing uptight sanctimonious right-wing self-righteous conservative tight-ass bullshit," said Bush. "And Charlie Sheen, who has been re-habbed more times and had more 'relapses' than everybody else in the world put together, has agreed to come on board as VP and help our nation and especially its leaders just rare back and fight for our right to rock or whatever all night and party ev - er - y - day!"

Bush stated that he wanted the next hundred years to not just be another dull ole "American Century," but rather he wanted it to be a jumpin' jivin' "American Party Century."

"Together," said Bush, speaking in Pig Latin to show his openness to people of all ethnic persuasions, "we can transform the rest of the world until they're all just having one big party too, and then, under the auspices of the United Nations and the Tri-lateral Commission and the Freemasons and the CIA, we can all unite into one big One World Frat House, protected from harm by black helicopters and financed by illicit South American drug deals, with advanced neuro-chemicals provided free for promotional consideration by friendly outer space aliens contacted during the Reagan administration but kept secret till now so punk rockers couldn't get to them first."

Said Bush, "I want everyone in this country to be able to be just the good ole frat boy of her dreams, all the time -- a frat boy who can drink all the fuckin booze she wants and do all the coke she wants and fuck all the chicks she wants, regardless of race or nationality or gender or sexual orientation. And if there's any problem, hey, I'll just call my good ole boy daddy and he'll just have his good ole boy buddies take care of it."

Then, after naming actor Robert Downey Jr. to be Ambassador to Colombia for life, Bush issued a presidential proclamation making "Louie Louie" the official national anthem for life, if it wasn't already.

Bush Dumps Loser Wife
Saying a country as great and powerful as America deserves a new First Lady every couplea months, Republican president George W. Bush, today,....

PARENTING
Marijuana use up 50% among 3-year olds

SPACE
Big Plutonium Gift on way to Saturn

POLITICS
Gore quits Democrats, starts 4th or 5th 3rd Party

FILM
Psychological thriller "Animus House" tops box office

TECHNOLOGY
New speech recognition system recognizes when money is talking