Redball, WA - (July 28) - At some meeting-type thing held somewhere, recently, Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer, told assembled investors and scum alike, about Microsoft's exciting new plans for the great new exciting digital future that lies ahead in which Microsoft will become the fucking "digital nervous system" of the whole world's soul and of death.

After spewing the requisite economic hand-waving bullshit that investors wanted to hear, while being cautionary enough to not appear overly optimistic or, like, go beyond the Maximum Daily Adult Requirement of corporate shitbag disingenuousness, Ballmer went on to tell the assembled investors and scum alike, some of the many great new exciting things that Microsoft would be doing in the next few years in order to keep profits endlessly rising, and consumers endlessly coming [back for more]. Here is a partial list of some of those exciting new things:

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"And, of course," Ballmer continued, once the assembled investors and scum alike, had come back down to earth from their exultation over the majestic promise of the digital future, now so close at hand, "Aside from all that, we will be uncrippling at least one essential feature in each member of our product line via new upgrades to each, and, of course, returning to the interface idiosyncrasies of the previous version, and, of course, crippling a different essential feature in the new version, so as to give us something to fix in the next upgrade, while of course, in that same upgrade, returning to the interface idiosyncrasies of the, then, previous version, i.e. the, now, current version."

"Here at Microsoft, after all, as is done everywhere," Ballmer concluded, "We will always maintain a firm institutional commitment to the ceaseless re-invention of the human interface to ever deeper levels of recursion on the allegory of the cave. -- If you know what I mean."