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Accidental mini-Big-Bang sucks Nevada into mini-black
hole
An accidental mini-Big-Bang occurred early this morning
as the by-product of a high-energy physics experiment
designed to produce, in the laboratory, some of those
cute little subatomic particle thingies known as strange
quarks. The oxymoronic mini-Big-Bang has apparently
caused the state of Nevada to be completely sucked into
a mini-black hole, Wayne Newton and all.
"Whoops," said AT&T&A president Dr. Rebecca Kramer who
only yesterday had been telling reporters about how it
was really really totally probably fairly unlikely that
her experiment would lead to an accidental mini-Big
Bang, causing an accidental mini-black hole that would
accidentally suck everything into nothingness forever.
Study findings need more study, study finds
A study....
Can of Draino a day may prevent heart disease in
gerbils, study suggests
A can of...
Vitamin E may combat vitamin C
If you are suffering from vitamin C, now there may be a
cure. Vitamin E has been shown to be effective in
reducing the risk of vitamin C in 6 out of 10 laboratory
cows. Many people intentionally contracted vitamin C
several years or weeks ago, when it was mistakenly
believed that vitamin C cured vitamin D which had been
mistakenly believed, a few weeks prior to that, to cure
plutonium which had been mistakenly believed to cure
rickets in laboratory gynecologists, or something,
several weeks before that, and so on.
10 drinks a day may reduce risk of caring about being on
your 11th
Consuming ten alcoholic beverages a day has been shown
to help reduce the risk of giving a flying fuck about
the fact that you're now on your 11th -- and counting --
and in 6 out of 9 laboratory squid, it also totally
eliminated that nagging feeling about how, like, what a
load of shit it all is.
Hormone linked to hormone study
The presence of the hormone Hormonerone is apparently
closely linked with the desire to study the hormone
Hormonerone and discover that it's directly linked to
the desire to study the hormone Hormonerone, and so on,
recursively.
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JFK Jr.'s plane was mechanically sound, in perfect
working order, and had been thoroughly checked out just
prior to take off, according to the head of the
aircraft's maintenance crew, Lee Harvey Oswald
Jr.
TECHNOLOGY/BUSINESS
Budweiser changes name to Bloodweiser, launches
color-coordinated beer to drink while using iMacs
WORLD NEWS
Apparently there's some place called Kosovo
BUSINESS
Going ballistic now viable alternative to going public
HEALTH
HHS calls for Bloodweiser Hospital to call itself something else
BASEBALL
Perfect game marred by hits, runs
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