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House "Intelligence" Committee passes encrypted
encryption bill
The House "Intelligence" Committee Thursday unanimously
approved legislation to do something or other about the
controversial, you know, whole encryption thingie or
other, but since the bill was written entirely in
encrypted Pig Latin, they didn't have a fucking clue
what it said -- but who's counting? Anyway, the core
provision of the legislation provides for f67ay
d6e6@2fay fuFo?ay se37??57day
fkZj+83ay HGy=u/ay fvbN?>ay
7&G8ay gd$ks64f8ay %610&gfkeay. If you
know what I mean.
Macdonald's includes free 400 MHz computer with every
order of fries
Beginning Monday, MacDonald's corporation, inventor of
the carbohydrate, will be giving away a free Intel
Celeron-based 400-MHz computer with every order of its
so-called "fries." "This is not just some candyass
'special promotion'," said MacDonald's CEO Country "Joe"
MacDonald, "but something we'll be doing every day.
It's just our way of saying: 'Hey. Information
technology is worth about as much as a fucking order of
fries'."
Doritos unveils computer-on-a-chip
Doritos brand corn chips and National Semiconductor
brand semiconductors released a computer-on-a-chip
today, a direct competitor to the recently announced IBM
computer-on-a-chimp. The National
Semiconductor-Doritos computer-on-a-chip features a
500-Mhz Pentium III, and a precision-engineered case and
component layout design that allows it to balance
perfectly on the thin edge of an upright corn chip. "As
long as you don't sneeze or speak loudly or walk
around," said Doritos CEO Joe Doritos, "the computer is
guaranteed not to fall over and be smashed to tiny
little pieces, permanently destroying all your precious
so-called 'data' forever."
Compaq unveils computer-on-a-pizza
Compaq computer and Pizza Hut announced the new
Correleone family of pizzas today which integrate most
of the electronic functions needed for an information
appliance such as a set-top box or handheld Pentagon
hacking nuclear missile launcher (PHNML). The standard
"Vito" pizza comes with 64 megs of PC-100 Cheese, an 8.4
gigabyte Anchovy, Super Socket-7 100-MHz Sauce, 44X
pepperoni, and 450-MHz AMD K6-II 'shrooms.
Roto Rooter offers free computer with every drain
"It's just our way of saying," said Roto-rooter CEO Joe
Roto, "that information technology isn't worth what
you've got shooting up out of your shower drain and
streaming out from underneath your toilet, if, in fact,
you have stuff shooting up out of your shower
drain and streaming out from underneath your toilet.
And if you don't, contact us and we'll see what we can
do about it."
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The campaign committee of Republican front-runner What's
His Name released the above photo as a concrete example
of what What's His Name means when What's His Name
refers to "youthful indiscretions." "Now shut the fuck
up and go snort some damn coke," the spokesman stated in
closing.
HEALTH NEWS
Americans contract Alzheimers, forget Ricky What's His
Name's name
WORLD NEWS
Christ was NOT born in California, foreigners claim.
EDUCATION/BUSINESS
AT&T buys MIT, changes name to MIT&T
SCIENCE
Dan Quayle scientifically proven to be stoooooopid
POLITICS
George W. Bush brushes teeth, but misses a tooth flossing
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