Mars - (July 7) - NASA, the National Acid in Space Administration, of all people, confirmed today that objects photographed by its search bot on Mars are definitely rocks.

"After photoshopping the hell," said NASA project director Rebecca Kramer, "Out of the 12 pixels sent back from Mars, then getting really stoned, as it were, on a wide variety of organic and designer drugs and then staring really really hard at the resultant processed images for really long periods of time, without food, water or sleep, we've been able to determine beyond any doubt, that the objects in question are absolutely definitely positively rocks."

Kramer went on to state that, though they were still awaiting further testing on it, the area around the rocks had a very high probability of being "You know, dirt."

"And if we're correct, and it does turn out to be dirt," Kramer continued, "That means there could have easily been a football stadium here billions of years ago, where a Martian quarterback is very likely to have once stood and been, say, 3rd and 3 from his own 27."

Despite the resounding success of the mission, there were some early problems. "The Rover is driven by the same search bot software," said Rover project manager Ean Brino, "Which is used by the Excite and Lycos online search engines, so it took us a lot of time playing around with it before we realized that we had to use queries like "Sandra Bullock Naked," or "Free Nude Celebrity Porn Pix" or "Hot! HOt HOt! 4-XXX rated all-nude lesbian incest snuff videos," before we could get it to do anything at all. But once we got the hang of it, it was just like online: We'd type in "Hardcore bondage pix," and the Rover would go out and find a rock. Or we'd type in "Pamela Anderson fucking a Horse," and it'd find -- a rock."

The NASA Mars Exploration Team, composed almost entirely of people from the University of Arizona, after careful study, has determined that, overall, Mars looks and feels exactly like, of all places, Arizona.

According to Vice President Gore, Mars is apparently a desirable planet to explore for reasons of economy, "Because there is clearly already ice on its polar caps -- so future manned trips to the planet would only need to bring the Vodka and tomato juice."