Friday, July 3, 1998
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CNN Claims CNN Is Utter Lying, Cheating, Stealing, Baby-Killing, Sack Of Shit

NY, NY - (July 3) - According to so-called "all-news" network, CNN, so-called "all-news" network, CNN, is an utter lying cheating stealing motherfucking baby-killing sack of shit. If you know what I mean.

"We, CNN, that is, is or are, an utter lying cheating stealing motherfucking baby-killing sack of shit," said CNN president Tom Jones, speaking to CNN and Time reporters in a crawlspace or subway cutout beneath New York City.

"Fortunately," said a CNN spokesman, "since we are always absolutely wrong about everything, if we call ourselves the lowest utter fucking scum, that should pretty much clear us of all charges."

Boeing 737 is an Utter Fucking Piece of Shit Too

According to the FAA, the Boeing 737 is also an utter fucking unsafe easily crashed piece of shit.

So anyone riding on a 737 and watching CNN on the airplane TV, might just as well not have even bothered waking up that morning, let alone waking up any morning.

Company Inks "Deal"

Some so-called "company," if you know what I mean, has apparently "inked" a slimy "deal" with some other slimy "company." Top officials of the so-called "companies" involved have repeatedly refused to answer repeated phone calls to the wrong area code and wrong phone number, and therefore remain stubbornly "unavailable for comment," if you know what I mean.

Human Excrement Declared A Vegetable

Secretary of Steak, Madeline Albright, today unanimously passed binding legislation declaring that human excrement be considered a vegetable.

"You know," said a spokesman for the Steak Department, "It contains, like, corn and tomatoes and celery and cabbage..."

Earwig Excrement Declared A Vegetable

Supreme Court CEO, Chief William O'Justice, today, passed unanimous legislation declaring that anything that comes out of an earwig is to be considered a vegetable, especially for the purposes of school lunch programs.

"You know," said Chief O'Justice, "it contains, like, corn and tomatoes and celery and cabbage..."

Lexus Twinkies Recalled

The popular creme-filled luxury car, the Lexus Twinkie, has been recalled by its manufacturer, General Mills and Motors.

"We are hereby recalling our popular creme-filled luxury car, the Lexus Twinkie," said General Mills and Motors CEO, Colonel Sanders, "because, apparently, it is an utter fucking piece of shit -- and somebody noticed."



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