Monday, June 28, 1999
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  Sensationalist Headline Writer Found Bludgeoned To Death In Steaming Pool Of Blood
Wash, DC -- (June 28) -- Hollis Mosher III, author of such sensationalist headlines as "Creepy over-rated pop star found bludgeoned to death in steaming pool of blood," was, today, found bludgeoned to death in a steaming pool of blood in his Washington apartment, a victim of an apparent....

Bitter Cynic Ironically Wins Multi-million Dollar State Lottery
Garth Register Jr., a cynical bitter steam blaster from Limon, Colorado, today was the winner of the $114 million dollar jackpot in Colorado's "Buckyball" state lottery thingy. A seemingly indifferent Register, however, told reporters, "So what. I'll probably just get hit by a truck."

Gays Celebrate "Sure Glad I'm Not A Creepy Heterosexual" Day
Appealing for tolerance among all peoples and groups, members of the gay community, today, spilled into the streets....

Sloth Activists Fail To Show At Own Demonstration, Again
Sloth activists say they regret having missed a march they'd scheduled, yesterday, to protest the existence of those highly motivated, overachieving fucks of the world. "We're sick of sloth being given a bad rap by these sicko go-getters," the leader of the sloth activist movement started to tell reporters, but halfway through became just too, like, laid back and just sorta....

I'm More Popular Than Ricky Martin, Jesus Claims
Jesus Christ, of Nazareth, told reporters today, that he was now more popular than popular pop star Ricky Martin of Lambada Macarena, Bolivia. Martin, who was unavailable for comment pending notification of Peter Frampton, was unavailable for comment, pending notification of the Bossa Nova.

Animals Just Faking It, Study Shows
According to a study done at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, Mass, those little furry creatures known as animals are not really....

Humans Just Faking It, Report Reveals
According to a report released by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, in Cambridge Mass, those clunky mostly hairless creatures known as humans are not really....

    George W. Bush was photographed by reporters today as he stood looking into a photographer's camera while being photographed. There was half a man standing behind him to his left -- your right.

ARTS
So-called "Art" Apparently Over. O - V - E - R!

INTERNATIONAL
French Heterosexuals Celebrate "Please Tolerate Me" Day

SPORTS
Some Team Apparently Wins Some Game, Or Something

BUSINESS
E-Commerce Apparently Over. O - V - E - R!

SCIENCE
Science Apparently Over. O - V - E - R!

EDUCATION
Spelling Apparently Over. O - V - A - R!!

TECHNOLOGY
MIT Researchers Just Faking It, Critic Claims




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