by HC

Pasadena, CA -- (June 18) -- The mystery of why Einstein didn't come up with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or Murphy's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics has perhaps been solved, today, by scientists who have just recently cut up his brain into little pieces at the Jet Compulsion Labs in Pasadena, CA, where the background noise to life has been mysteriously elevated to actually being life itself, while life itself has been un-mysteriously demoted to being the background noise to something other than life, too wacko to contemplate.

Anyway, the reason why Einstein didn't come up with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, was that he apparently had a Palm Pilot VIII prototype lodged in his brain, which apparently short-circuited out his Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle-discovering neuron so that even though he had the gene for discovering the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, it couldn't be turned on without a written statement from Starbucks to never ever again intentionally piss in your frappuccino ever ever again -- which, of course, was not immediately forthcoming. What a surprise.

"The Palm Pilot VIII prototype," said professor Rebecca Sunnybrook of Sunnybrook Farms Neurological Institute and Plumbing Supply, "was apparently self-constructed out of old leftover pieces of gedanken experiment -- the pieces that, had they been pieces of film rather than pieces of gedanken experiment, would have been the pieces that so-called 'wound up' on the so-called 'cutting room floor.'"

Apparently the Palm Pilot VIII in Einstein's brain also had several bugs in its wireless modem and, as a result, couldn't receive data transmissions from beyond Alpha Centauri, where, or course, all the really good stuff is stored.

Also found in Einstein's brain was a Lotto machine you spit into and if any piece of your DNA matched today's randomly selected sequence of a few thousand base-pairs, you won the current jackpot and were immediately flown to the tropical island vacation of your dreams, where unfortunately, the most abject despair lurks behind every smiling offer of free samples of General Motors sunblock and motor oil.

Also found in Einstein's brain was an early uncensored version of "Louie Louie," stored in a medium which was also its own player so you could still hear it even when technology itself was obsolete.

Representative Dingellball ironically shot to death

Only moments after defeating legislation that would have required raving homicidal maniacs to not have more than 10 or 15 AK-47s hanging off their belts at any one time on Main Street, Representative John Dingellball (D-Mich), inventor of the world famous Dingleball and the world famous Dingleberry line of juices and preserves, was shot to death by an angry mob of anti-gun activists. Waaaaaaaay ironic.