Lake Taco, NV - (June 10) - Claiming that "The Russians or Chinese or whoever are knowingly interfering with our 'precious bodily fluids,'" Microsoft Chairman or President or CEO or whatever of Microsoft Corporation in Redmond or Belleview or Billingham Washington, today, makers of Microsoft Basic of Bellingham or Billings Montana, President or CEO of whatever said or announced today that his company or corporation or whatever, Microsoft Corporation of Belleview or Plains Virginia, announced today that their Chairman or CEO, Bill Gates, or whoever, would announce today that his company, Microsoft of Belleview or Bellingham, Georgia, would purchase some large percentage of, say, Comcast Corporation of, like, maybe Denver, Colorado -- to take a wild guess -- who announced, today, that they would, um, you know, that Gates was like gonna buy a $billion $dollars worth of Comcast of New Britain, Connecticut, makers of Comcast, which, you know, casts a thin net of, you know, comm, over the whole world, so Gates, the President of Microsoft of Richfield Vermont, inventor of NetScoop, said that with Comcast, he would now be able to spread, "You know, spread my Comm all over the world and rescue our precious, you know, bodily fluids, from the interference of, you know, outside sources like, you know, the Russians or the Chinese."

Hinkley Cured

John Hinkley, the guy who had a clear shot at Reagan and blew it, today, claimed he was totally over "You know, the whole Jodie Foster thing," and should now be allowed to go back to hanging around celebrities and politicians with a loaded gun in his pocket, and without an armed guard.

"According to my doctors," said Hinkley, "I am now totally able to be around politicians and celebrities with a loaded gun in my pocket and a clear shot, and still never ever not once even think about taking it out and blowing those motherfucking slimeballs to shit. Not once! So it's pretty clear that I'm completely cured."

When asked if he was also really totally over, you know, the whole "Jodie Foster thing," Hinkley didn't hesitate to respond that, "Yes. I am totally and absolutely, 110% over the whole, you know, 'Jodie Foster thing.' I mean, I don't know how I could have fallen for an old bag like that. Hey, I just read an article in my cell -- she's no fucking 14-year-old the way they make her out to be in movies. She's really, like, 35 or something. So, yeah. I'm totally over that one. What a disillusionment."

Hinkley also admitted, by way of demonstrating the totality of his recovery, that, while in prison, he had met via email, fallen in love with, and was now engaged to marry a hardworking and dedicated young actress, currently living in Los Angeles.

"And if you see fit to release me," he told the parole panel, "The very first thing I'll do is bring my new wife here to meet you all -- so Winona can see, first hand, the beautiful people who set me free."