LA LA, CA - (June 6) - Entertainment dollars. According to someone on CNN, "There are only so many entertainment dollars out there."

But, according to someone else on CNN, "In 1997, more than half the women having first-time sex asked their parents to [please] use a condom."

Intel Stock Plummets

Shares of Intel stock plummeted, today, on news that the pop group, the Spice Girls, will be releasing their own Spice Girls-branded family of microprocessors, which includes The Spice Girls 233-MMX+ chip and The Spice Girls-300 SuperEnhanced MMX++ chip.

Each processor in the family was designed entirely from the ground up, as it were, by one of the Spice Girls, in between grinding, you know, things like stick shifts and shower heads.

When not designing RISC chips or grinding things, the Spice Girls enjoy shooting and editing their own 16-part feature film adaptation of Marcel Proust's "A la Recherche du Temps Perdu," or whatever, for Miramax.

Microsoft Stock Plummets

Shares of Microsoft stock plummeted, today, on news that the pop group, the Spice Girls, will be releasing their own Spice Girls-branded family of operating systems, web servers, and office productivity software suites, which includes Spice Girl Word++ and Spice Girls Orifice 67.

Each software component of the family was designed and written entirely in the assembly language of each of the 10 most popular microprocessors, by one of the Spice Girls, in between grinding, you know, things like watermelons and shower heads.

When not designing or writing operating systems or grinding things, the Spice Girls enjoy restoring 1939 Mercedes-Benzs using tools they've like, hand-tooled themselves. Or whatever.

"Wired" Stock Plummets

Uh, wait. There is no "Wired" stock. Is there. Uh, OK, take 2:

Barney or Louis Rossetto, or whoever, editor or publisher, or whatever, of either "Mad" or "Wired," announced, today, that he'd asked the staff of his "magazine" to, like, please swallow the little cyanide tabs they keep in the ready underneath their tongues, today, on news that the pop group, the Spice Girls, will be releasing their own Spice Girls-branded family of on- and off-line magazines, websites, search engines, daily news services, and limp daily commentary columns, which includes such winners as "CrotchBot" and "Schmuck."

Each on- and off-line magazine in the family is designed and written entirely by one of the Spice Girls, in between grinding, you know, things like bald-headed CEOs and shower heads.

When not creating, writing and designing on- and off-line magazines or grinding things, the Spice Girls enjoy cracking ISPs and stealing credit card numbers, then driving 16-year-old girls around to upscale boutiques to charge large amounts of expensive merchandise on bogus cards bearing the stolen numbers, until someone is accidentally shot in a kitchen, and they have to lay low somewhere, for a while, taking Darvon for pinched nerves, and eventually flying to the opposite coast under assumed name, backed by layers of legally-obtained, fake ID.