Genghis Khan bemoans declining youth violence
Peking, China -- (June 2) -- As part of his youth
violence campaign, Mongol Emperor of Emperors, Genghis
Khan, today, ordered a government study into the cause
of declining scores on violence and brutality tests
given annually to Mongol youngsters between the ages of
3 and 12.
"Our children are being fed a daily diet of too many of those wussie puppet shows," he said at a youth violence event held outside his tent.
The 1 million silver florin joint study by the Federal Pillage Commission and the Department of Wanton Slaughter is Khan's response to the recent rash of villages that have gone unmassacred and unplundered, during his latest military conquest of somebody else's formerly peaceful countryside.
Khan has proposed a campaign of terror to change public attitudes and make anything less than all-out non-stop murderous violence as socially unacceptable as eating peas with your sword.
He has challenged puppeteers to monitor themselves and eliminate gratuitous wussiness from their puppet shows, and instead of having everybody singing and dancing all the time, have them breaking more folding chairs and utility tables over each others' heads and ripping each others' strings out.
But puppeteers have been reluctant to implement similar guidelines in the past, claiming they're too avant-garde and wouldn't sell to the mass audience which is mostly middle-of-the-road losers.
The study is expected to take either half a century or half an hour -- depending of just how pissed off study director Rebecca Khan feels that day -- and is expected to determine whether the puppet show industry is cynically and illegally selling wussie non-violence intended for adults, to kids.
Khan told reporters the study would use the same methodology previously used to study how there's too much salt sometimes in the beef jerky.
Khan said that by the time a child reaches 18, he has seen over 200,000 dramatized acts of kindness and caring and over 400,000 dramatized incidents of live-and-let-live behavior, which can lead vulnerable children into believing that shit like that actually happens.
"We're gonna be needin' lotsa mean mutherfuckers in order to compete successfully in the 13th century," Khan said, though she stopped short of calling for direct government intervention in and regulation of the increasingly non-violent puppet show industry.
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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC