Pulp, DC - (May 28) - Supremes Court Chief Justice, Tara Quentintino, announced, today, that she would step down from her cushy lifetime appointment to Diana Ross and the Supremes Court, effective immediately, in order to "take a cushy job hosting a morning, soft-core porn, TV talk show on Fox, and in order to have more time to spend committing adultery, sodomy, and incest."

Though her resignation followed immediately on the unanimous Supremes Court decision that the President of the United States would have to show his, you know, dick, on national TV, or at least publish one of those 360 degree scan-o-ramic VRML photos of it on the White House web site, Ms Quentintino denied vehemently that there was any fucking relation whatsoever, between the two.

"The two are totally un-fucking-related," said Quentintino, "In fact, my husband, San, and I are already writing a book about it, called 'All the President's, Uh, Thing,' and so, you know, I, like, wouldn't, like, you know, wouldn't have said or thought that, his, uh, you know, thing, and the uh, you know, sodomy, or whatever, thing, was at all, uh, you know."

According to the President, who couldn't be reached for comment, "Quentintino is just a front for some weird TV dating game show where religious-leader types, in long flowing robes, auction off 13-year-old prostitutes with nothing to say -- nothing inside except a few cliches -- yet they want to play with the eternal toys of cognition, and are ultimately responsible, on all levels of metaphor and reality, for the pain that underlies all 'noise.'"

Clinton went on to call for an end to the trafficking in women that's currently running rampant in the Eastern Bloc Companies, uhhh, Countries (a division of the H&R Bloc Companies) now that capitalism has taken over, there, and turned everybody into motherfucking whores.

"Women should not be sold to just anybody with a few bucks," said Clinton, "That is wrong! Women should be cherished and revered and kept clean and pure, and then only be given -- for free, of course -- to, you know, like, really randy Southern Governors with distinguishing marks on their, uh, things."

Consumer Swaggering

American consumers, those goofy little pac-men and women who just can't seem to scarf up enough of whatever the world's corporate shitbags wanna spew, claimed they are now more fucking over-confident than they've been for the last 28 years -- since Jim Morrison choked to death on a sandwich in a bathtub in France.

According to a source in the consumer confidence index industry, "The Consumer Confidence Index, a measure of, you know, consumers' confidence that their inner pit of materialism is bottomless, and that the vapid fluff it's filled with is both death-inducing and endless and sucks, reached 120 this month, the highest since 1969, the year when formerly compromised and destroyed and reshaped and reconstructed world soap opera stars slowly began returning from a religion of going off alone to some uncivilized location and living with the animals, to a world recession of crushed nations and people, caused by them in order to re-ignite the sales of world soap opera action figures and their lunch pails."