Amazon buys up all possibility
by HC Amazon, CA - (May 19) - Online retailing giant Amazon.com president, Jeff Bezos, announced today that his company, online retailing giant Amazon.com, had, as of yesterday, completed deals to buy up one of every possible kind of company that now exists or has ever existed or will ever exist.
"We now own all possibility," said Bezos, "so it really doesn't matter what the fuck reality really is anymore, if, in fact, it ever even really was anything in the first place, or if, in fact, it ever even really mattered what."
Pausing momentarily to attempt but fail to cough up huge chunks of phlegm, Bezos invited all the seething masses out there to stop wasting their "fucking time yearning to be free and stop bothering with, like, 'thinking' or, like, trying to 'understand,' and just come on over to Amazon.com and fucking BUY SOMETHING, you materialistic sacks of shit."
Bezos stated that every time one of his valued customers buys something from Amazon.com, they are actually becoming a little more like him, "which is GOOD."
"I am buying companies," said Bezos, "and our valued seething psychopathic customers are buying books [about people like me bying companies]. And so they are almost just like me, which is both GOOD and the name of a Paul Revere and the Raiders hit."
"And speaking of GOOD [which is half the name of a Paul Revere and the Raiders hit]," said Bezos, "in case there is any question that our motivation is anything but PURE, we have also bought the whole fucking Catholic Church."
Bezos, becoming somewhat impassioned as he addressed reporters, told them that, in fact, he would personally be taking it upon himself to personally travel the earth, personally taking EVERYONE's personal confession, himself, in person, one by one.
"If they will all just reach down to the spirit deep inside them and confess their shopping habits and little consumer hot buttons to me," said Bezos, "I can help them to a better life -- and can sell them just the right CD to be playing in the background when they read just the right book that my bots will recommend to them along with just the right drug to be on when reading that book with that CD playing in the background, and just the right munchy to be munching and just the right chair to be sitting in with just the right animatronic sex doll sucking them off."
Despite owning the Catholic Church, Bezos still seemed to display a bit of the sin of pride as he told reporters how his customer base contains, like, 5 or 10 times as many customers as there are people in ALL of mankind summed across ALL History.
"We have EVERYBODY and all their aliases and multiple personalities and projections of themselves real and imagined, too, and our cookie technology recognizes all of them as individuals by the relative pressure of their fingers on certain keys," said Bezos. "Behind their back and unbeknownst to anyone."
According to the Amazon CEO, his customer database was even being bolstered as he spoke, by the legions of souls waiting outside Time to be re- or just plain in-carnated into this fucking life.
These pre-re-incarnates apparently can't wait any longer and are shopping at Amazon.com so that when they finally do "arrive," they will already have lots of toaster ovens and unopened packs of old baseball cards and hand crank Y2K radios, already waiting for them.
"They will, therefore, start off way ahead of the game," said Bezos. "Ahhh, to be a re-incarnate-in-waiting again. This is a great time to be not quite yet alive."
Bezos also stated that, starting today, in order to more quickly drive the few remaining non-Amazon-owned businesses out of existence and destroy the world economy, he will make all products absolutely free, and also pay the shipping out of his own pocket.
"Ultimately," said Bezos, "we will reap vast long-term profits from this business model, though this is, of course, totally incomprehensible to mundane minds unable to think outside the old beat-up UPS crate they were shipped in on."
According to analysts at the venture capital firm of Kleiner, Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe, the new Amazon.com business model works like this:
Along with the items that customers "purchase" for free, they also receive 1000 free shares of Amazon stock. As stockholders, they now feel it incumbent upon themselves to go out and find anyone who's not buying everything from Amazon -- and kill them.
This drives the value of Amazon stock perpetually higher as "Wall Street" sees it getting ever closer to the point where ALL non-Amazon purchasing is eliminated and Amazon can suddenly charge whatever the fuck it wants for whatever shoddy piece of crap it can find to sell. At that point, the company could begin to see actual profits.
Unfortunately, according to analyst Rebecca Sunnybrook of Kleiner, Larry, Moe, the total of all Amazon profits liberally extrapolated till the end of Time, is apparently still only just enough to buy either 100 Phenobarbitals and a bottle of Stoli or a shotgun and a footrest -- both totally free and always in stock despite huge demand -- down at the Amazon general store, just off interstate 9.
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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC