The soulless shitbags' names and the names of their
death-spewing companies and other identifying marks and
quirks have been changed or rearranged (or not changed
at all, sometimes), so as not to cause or create or be
Rebecca Firestone, head coach of the Hewlett
Packers, said that, in the future, it'd be a lot
better if celebrities would give out small vials of
their personal bodily fluids, instead of doing the tired
old celebrity autograph signing thing anymore.
A. Dee Do Plumbing President, Jack Stefan,
said that the motto of America's national bird, the bald
ego, should be changed from "Caviar Ergo Sum" to
AT&T President, Ice-T&T, said there should
be entertainment therapists who, "instead of talking to
you when you come to their office at $300 per hour,
just, like, give you a few magazines and books and turn
on some TV sets and some radios and CD players and even
some vacuum cleaners and osterizers and maybe even sing
and dance a little themselves or go down and drag people
in off the street to sing and dance for you, even if
it's only, like, "Louie, Louie," or an a cappella stab
at the Aztec Camera cover of "Jump."
Turner-Warner President, Warner Turner,
said that "Everybody should be nicknamed 'Cops and
Robbers,' cause they used to be cops -- but now they're
Random House President, Rebecca Kramer,
said there should be a whole cable network, or a whole
network cabal, where, say, someone like David Brinkley
would just sit there center stage on camera, not really
saying or doing anything, but his stomach rumblings,
thanks to the wonders of technology, would be amplified
and played through the speaker system in the studio
enough to more than adequately compensate,
entertainmentwise, for the utter lack of any movement or
words or anything else at all whatsoever in the frame.
Asylum Records president Jack Stefanovich,
said there should be more upfront admittedly bogus world
literary movements like Abstract Compressionism.
Somebody said the company that makes Jello should
merge with the company that bottles Smirnoff and
the company that extracts phenobarbital from
tropical rainforests and the company that makes Glad
Bags -- if these companies aren't in fact already
merged -- and, if they are, then, Jesus, what the
fuck are they waiting for!
Then somebody said there should be no more product
placements in mass suicides -- and someone said that
love should stop being lovelier, the zeroth time around
-- someone said that all future data cockpits should be
named after the famous writer, Franz Cockpit, --
someone said there had to be a feature length motion
picture named after each one of the 92 or so elements of
the periodic table of chemical elements, like
"Molybdenum," -- someone said that all national
anthems should be written and sung only by the Ives
Brothers: Burl and Charles; and that the only poet
laureates should be the Dickenson Sisters: Angie
and Emily; and the only filmmaker laureates should be
the Lee Brothers: Spike, Pinky, and Bill.
Someone said The Top 10 Commandments shouldn't
have the one about how reviews of films shouldn't have
judgments based on, say, the fact that the lead
character didn't say "...fuckin'..." enough -- , and
shouldn't have the one about how all responses to all
e-mail should simply say: "thanks for your support.
Please send phenobarbital."