Liverpool, England - (May 2) - England, which is apparently a country, or something, in Europe (which is supposedly a continent, but is really just a bunch of different theme restaurants spread over a 500 mile area so you have to do a lot of travelling just to get to your next meal), apparently had an election, yesterday, so its slimeball fat cats could have a chance to throw lots of money around and bribe the fuck out of government officials in broad daylight.

The election pitted the Tori Party against the Laborious party and was highly ideological -- which means it was about hard-core ideas, rather than just everybody calling everybody else "you fucking dickhead, you motherfucking scumbag" etc.

The Tori's big idea is that if you're gonna have a party, all the music should be by Tori Amos, and you better have lots of pictures of creepy Tori Spelling all over the walls.

The big idea of the Laborious Party, on the other hand, is that everything's just so fucking, you know, laborious, so, like, why fucking bother?

Apparently a bunch of people voted and somebody won. And now everything will be totally different in England, and won't suck like it used to.

England, besides being a country and having a government, is probably best known as being the reason why pop goofballs like David Bowie, Mick Jagger, and Andrew Lloyd Weber, say things like "Bollocks on the Poll Tax!"

In a related story, the parents of 6-year-old murdered porn-star, JonBenet Ramsey, told a bunch of hand-picked reporters, yesterday, that they didn't kill the little bitch, even though she was asking for it. "We didn't kill the little bitch," said grieving mother, Patsy Ramsey, "Even though the little bitch was definitely asking for it."

The Ramseys said they would spare no expense in hunting down and capturing the supposedly real murderer of their porn-star daughter, and, in that regard, had already telephoned OJ Simpson and asked him to please be on the lookout for JonBenet's murderer while he's out there on the golf course, also sparing no expense, looking for the murderer of his own porn-star ex-wife, Nicole -- which bitch he didn't kill either, even though she was definitely asking for it, too.