Lima, Peru - (April 23) - Fascist Murderer, Alberto Fujimori or moro or somebody, walked away scot-free yesterday, after murdering 16 or 17 people in cold blood. His previously lagging "political capital," also went through the roof, as it were, as a result of the mass murder.

Though Fujimori or moro considered the murderous assault of his foreign-trained thugs, a success, he, nonetheless, expressed regrets over the fact that they, you know, kinda went in the wrong building and kinda murdered all the wrong people.

"But 'wrong' is a relative concept anyway, so what the fuck," said Fujimori or moro, "If you murder 16 or 17 people in cold blood, the citizens will unconditionally love you, no matter who it was or wasn't."

Fujimoro is also credited with more or less wiping out the Shining Path -- the guerrilla movement with the coolest sounding name ever.

Man, what a fucking creep.

AOL Will NOT Buy Compuserve

In the most exciting development in the online world since Alberto Fujimoro or mori stormed the Wired/Suck offices killing everyone, and no one noticed the difference, AOL has not really announced that it will not buy Compuserve, but somehow everybody knows they won't, even though everybody knew they wouldn't, even when everybody was claiming they would -- if you know what I mean.

According to Allan Mecklermedia, "Jesus, this web stuff is, like, zero interest -- But, you know, we gotta keep churnin' out the biz news, day after fucking day. So when we get really stuck, we just announce that somebody's gonna buy somebody else, since that's all that ever happens in this lameass industry anyway, and everybody believes it. Then, the next time we're stuck for a story, we just announce that (surprise!) whoever was gonna buy whomever else, suddenly isn't gonna buy whomever else, anymore, after all. Neat!"

MSN Slowed By Deficit in Human Capital

Microsoft Network kinda stopped delivering its paid customers' e-mail for a couplea days, there, because, according to Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, "We just fucking felt like it. So sue me."

But when questioned further, Gates admitted that the "slowdown" had actually occurred because Microsoft employees had fallen so far behind in pre-reading all its users' e-mail.

"We like to check all incoming and outgoing e-mail to protect our users from accidental misspellings of words like 'cumshot' or 'blowjob' or accidental utterances like 'man, what an utter fucking piece of shit Windows 95 is,'" said Gates.

Gates also admitted that his drones had fallen behind in their work because he'd "enlisted even the lowliest of them to try to come up with some neat new active programming ideas for our exciting new neat live active fantastic new Microsoft Network," he said. "You know, like the sucksters did at hotwired."