Wal-Mart and Amazon.com have agreed to settle their dispute over who's the biggest slimy disingenuous capitalist sack of shit.

Both companies are claiming victory.

Wal-Mart is apparently a mart that's shaped like a wall or something, or it's a mart for people with minds shaped like walls, or hearts like walls, or maybe hearts like wheels and it just sounds like "walls" because of differences in regional dialect, or the person who wrote it was, like, stoned or his childhood was fucked up, or both.

Amazon.com is apparently a website or something. A website is apparently a site on the web. A web is something you walk through and it sticks to your face.

Wal-Mart was apparently suing Amazon.com for, you know, "reasons."

Amazon.com was apparently counter-suing Wal-Mart for, you know, "counter-reasons." But who's counting?

Wal-Mart also claimed that even if Amazon.com were a bigger slimy disingenuous capitalist sack of shit, it was only a bigger slimy disingenuous capitalist sack of shit because it had stolen the secret of being the biggest slimy disingenuous capitalist sack of shit from Wal-Mart.

"They have stolen our secrets about how to be a slimy disingenuous capitalist sack of shit," said Wal-Mart president, Joe Wal-mart, "and also our secrets about how to be a mart for people with hearts and minds like walls."

But Joe Amazon, CEO of Amazon.com, claimed that Wal-Mart was lying like a CEO, and that Amazon.com was in no way about being a mart for people with hearts and minds like walls, but, rather, it was really about being a mart for people with souls and genitalia like walls. Or wheels. Whichever.

By the terms of the agreement, both company's presidents will eat plutonium together on the Larry King Show, and quietly evaporate off the face of the earth on national TV, taking Larry with them.

They are survived by their respective drug ODs and a stash of crystalline serotonin hidden behind a brick in the wall separating the group that invented karaoke karate, from the group that eventually went on to become the Electric Prunes.