Wendover, NV - (Apr 6) - In the biggest business deal in the history of the human race, or the cosmos -- whichever came first -- Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1 announced today that it would either buy or merge with or be bought by longtime rival, Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 2.

"We here at Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1," said Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1 President or CEO or whatever, Joey Slimebucket, "see this as a new day. Or something."

Though Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 2 CEO or whatever, Joey Scuzzball, couldn't be reached for comment, informed sources close to Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 2 inform us that, had we been able to reach him, he would have most likely said approximately the same thing as the CEO or president or whatever of Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1.

President Clinton, later in the day, told a press conference, "It definitely is a new day, or something, when two great corporations like Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1 and Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 2 can either merge or buy each other out or up. Now I have to get back to minding the people's business."

"Despite the over $900 trillion dollars that Wall Street parasites stand to make from this deal, without doing jack shit," a spokesman for Time told a spokesman for CNN, "the real winners here are the American people. Now, when they have a fundamental desire or need to fulfill, they no longer have to remember the names of both Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1 and Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 2. -- Now, they only have to remember the name Capitalist Shitbag Corporation 1&2."

Meanwhile the sun was permanently blotted out (but who's counting?) by the solid blanket formed by 900 trillion or so Wall Street cum shots, that reached escape velocity and went into orbit around the earth.

People Turning On Titanic

In one of those mysterious backlash phenomena that happen when gullible people suddenly realize they've been fucking duped again, the entire population of the world has suddenly realized that the film Titanic, is an utter fucking unmitigated piece of shit, and are now all simultaneously demanding all their fucking money back -- including those "people" who saw it like 25 times and are demanding not only all their $200 back, but also 7% interest, compounded each microsecond.

Ken Starr Takes Out the Garbage

According to totally unbiased "reporter," Michael Isikoff, of the totally unbiased "news" magazine NewsWeek, Special Prosecutor or Council or whatever, Ken Starr, apparently took out his garbage today, and set it down at the curb in front of his house. "The garbagemen will come by later today and pick it up," said Starr.

The garbage was in a large black garbage bag, which was tied at the top with a white garbage bag tie.

According to Starr, once the garbagemen have picked up the garbage, they will throw it into the back of their truck, and then the truck will make a lot of noise, and the garbage will disappear.