Happenstance shits -- A recent survey by the American International Psychometric Association revealed that 59% of all Americans think the worst mistake of their life is behind them, 29% of all Americans think the worst mistake of their life is still ahead of them, and 12% think their life is the worst mistake of their life, and therefore get your fucking survey the fuck outta' my face.

Tele-Abzug -- The rampant success of so-called "tele-presence" technology, which allows you to actually BE someplace you actually SHOULDN'T BE, has spawned its own offshoot which exploits the breakthrough known as "tele-absence."

"Simply stated," said American International Tele-Absence CEO, Kirk Vomit Jr, "Tele-absence technology allows you to NOT be someplace where you ARE, but DON'T WANNA BE."

Despite massive pent-up market demand for such technology, Vomit was adamant in insisting that his whole fucking industry is NOT just another bogus multi-billion dollar euphemism for getting up and walking out the door.

Windows 98 cancelled -- The release of the next version of Windows, currently codenamed "Memphis" and previously postponed till early '98, has now been permanently cancelled, according to Microsoft acting Chairman, Steve Ballmer.

"I mean, we're really getting bored here with this technology shit," Ballmer said. "These creepy little meaningless cosmetic changes and hundreds of diddley squat "features" no one wants or needs and only 3 people use. I mean who the fuck cares anymore. We've all got all the money we need, and the user's got more computing power than he'll ever need. From here on, we're just playing for ego, and to see who can force the most useless shit down the throats of the hapless, pathetic consumer."

Ballmer went on to state that he thought he was doing the honorable thing by cancelling Windows 98 and shutting down Microsoft, and then he apologized profoundly to computer users everywhere.

"Maybe we could have done something decent with this computer thing," he said. "But it was bigger than us. It got out of control, and now it's just a lotta crap. I'm sorry. And Bill's sorry too. He's already off in India, trying to learn how to repent."

Security risks of networked computers drive large companies back to paper -- According to a survey by the American International Econometric Association, the security risks of networked computers are driving several large companies back to paper.

"The security risks of networked computers are driving many large companies, besides my own," said Time-Warner CEO, Johnny Time, "Back to using paper as a medium for information retrieval and exchange."

Said GM Chairman, Michael Moore, pointing to thousands of tiny little illegibly-written slips of paper lined up neatly on his desk, "Hack this, motherfucker!"