The League of Women Voters announced today that it was cancelling the previously scheduled US presidential election previously scheduled for the year 2000, "on account of it was just attracting too many fuckin' creeps."

"That's the problem," League of Women Voters president Rebecca Sunnybrook told reporters, "when you hold something really cool like a Presidential election and you let everybody know about it. Sometimes you get all these real creeps comin' around and they all wanna be in it too -- which ruins it for everybody else. And when that happens, you might as well just cancel the whole fuckin' thing and try again some other time."

Sunnybrook cited Al Gore, George W. Bush, Liddy Dole, Dan Quayle, Lamar Alexander, Pat Buchanan, and Steve Forbes as "the buncha fuckin' creeps who ruined it for everybody else."

Microsoft Releases New Browser or Beta or Something

Microsoft has released a new version of its browser or a beta version of a new version of its browser or a preview of a beta version or who the fuck knows what, or something. The name of the new version or beta or preview or whatever is whatever the name of the last version or beta or preview was, plus 1.

Anyway, the main exciting new features of the exciting new browser are 1) an animated intelligent agent that pops up every few minutes and tells the user how to get a list of all the exciting new features, including this one, 2) an exciting new feature that lists all the exciting new features with a single mouse click, 3) an exciting new feature that allows the user to customize the list of exciting new features so it prints out in different orders and using different colors and fonts, 4) an exciting new feature that lets the user suggest other new exciting new features they'd like to see in future exciting new versions, 5) an exciting new feature that allows users to trash the tragically boring and mundane so-called "exciting new features" suggested by other users, and 6) a feature that allows users to a) listen in on each other's filthy private phone calls, b) get direct live 24-hour video feeds from each other's bedrooms and bathrooms, and c) have sex with random members of each other's families regardless of gender, age and other such inconsequential parameters.

A Microsoft spokesman promised that the next version of the browser would "definitely finally be adding the feature that allows the user to read the humorous text of and look at all the pretty pictures on the so-called 'websites' which are apparently found all over the so-called 'Internet' or 'World Wide Web' thing or whatever."

Intel Settles Suit

Intel Corporation, of either California or not California, in a surprise settlement today or yesterday settled its suit with the FTC of Washington DC.

As part of the terms of the settlement, Intel will agree to stop making microprocessors if AMD, Cyrix, IBM, Motorola, and DEC all agree to stop making microprocessors too.

"After that happens," said FTC chairman Bill DeLeeuw, "maybe computers will just go away."

Starsky and Hutch were unavailable for comment.

Earthquake Stupidly Avoided

Even though many people woke up yesterday singing the line from the song by Arthur Lee & Love that goes "the concrete and the clay beneath my feet begin to CRUM -- BLE..." there still wasn't a major 7.9 earthquake in California at all.

Which is totally stupid. Why wake up singing "the concrete and the clay beneath my feet begin to crumble" if there's not gonna be a fucking earthquake that day? WHY????

I mean, why not just wake up singing "Oop dip dip, oop dip dip, Yeaaaaah," and leave it at that?

International Olympic Committee Will Stop Bein' a Buncha Shitholes

The lying cheating stealing slimy buncha shitholes known as the International Olympic Committee announced today that they would definitely stop being a buncha lying cheating stealing slimy buncha shitholes.

"We will definitely stop being a buncha lying cheating stealing slimy buncha shitholes," said Olympics committee chairman Joe Shithole. "Especially if everybody buys us free cars up the wazoo, and free trips to Cancun and college scholarships for our lying cheating stealing slimy buncha shithole children.