Wash, DC - ( March 14) - Former JFK pimp, Pierre (and not from the same planet as "Catcher in the Rye" author, JD) Salinger, went on the Pointlesscast push media network, early this morning, and released documents that expose a massive campaign-contribution terrorist-bombing missile-shootdown micro-payment push-media internet-scam cover-up, which ultimately led to the attempted assassination of President Clinton, late last night, as he stumbled, presidentially shit-faced, out of golfer Greg Norman's lesbian brothel in downtown Miami Beach, Florida.

According to Salinger, who's pretty much become just one big eyebrow, by now, "This whole torn tendon story is just part of a massive cover-up being perpetrated by White House staff, the straight media, Greg Norman, and the babe they'd just sorta finished pulling the train, or whatever, on, last night."

Salinger claimed the US Navy was behind the assassination attempt and had simply used it to cover-up a clandestine test of a new piece of military hardware.

"Essentially," said Salinger, "It's a little silver missile that can only be fired accurately by Xena Warrior Princess. The Navy wanted to see what happens when somebody other than Xena Warrior Princess fires it, so they got Ernest Borgnine or some other Navy guy to try to assassinate the President with it."

According to the Secretary of the Navy, who asked to remain anonymous, "I know of no such attempt by our Navy to assassinate the President last night, and I know of no silver missile, and, as far as I know, Xena Warrior Princess is now in reruns -- so who cares."

The Navy Secretary also went on to state that if this actually had been a test, and if there actually had been a missile, then the Navy would have learned that they need to aim about 2 feet higher and a little to the right, the next time they don't use it.

"But that's all moot," said the Secretary, "Cause even though it never really happened the first time, I can guarantee you that, even though it'll never happen again, if it did, we definitely wouldn't miss, this time."

Salinger also released a series of photographs of radar traces showing little white dots against a black background. "See that," said Salinger, pointing at a little white dot.

"And see that!" Salinger exclaimed, pointing at another little white dot on another photo.

Then Salinger broke down and confessed that John Kennedy was still alive, and currently living in France with Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain, and that he was very happy and recently had come out, on TV, as a lesbian. "But he's not a real lesbian," Salinger quickly assured everyone. "Just a TV lesbian -- which is sorta what you have to be these days."

Upon his return to White House 1, the President was deemed to be useless, and loaded into a dumpster and discarded, but on his way down the chute, and still flying high on painkillers, he managed to launch a coordinated series of all-out pre-emptive thermonuclear strikes against Asia, Africa, Europe and South America -- just by making the appropriate signal with his thumb.