Microsoft, DC - ( March 11) - At a press conference held out behind Building 7, early this morning, MIT psychology post-doc, Rebecca Kramer, announced her discovery of a line of Microsoft code that actually worked.

According to Kramer, she accidentally discovered the line of C++ code that actually worked, in the source listing of an unreleased beta version of DOS 2.2 that she had mistakenly started reading, thinking it was by, like, Dostoyevsky or somebody.

"Not only does the line of code work as advertised," said Kramer, "But no one in the security community has yet been able to find a single security hole or bug in it, whatsoever."

Spokesmen at Microsoft immediately announced that a comprehensive suite of internet-based active-html dynamic-java-X products would be designed around the working line of code -- to be shipped in the 3rd quarter of this year. The new code will be codenamed "codename," and when it comes to market, will be advertised as "the first software with a line of code that actually, like, works!!"

White House Finds Legal Contribution -- White House Spokesperson, Kirk Vomit Jr., held a press conference on the White House lawn, early today, to announce that, after scouring the vast taxpayer-funded, White House Democratic Contributor computer data base, the taxpayer-funded White House research staff had turned up a contribution that actually may have been legal.

The $10.00 contribution, from Rebecca Kramer, a lesbian housewife living in Swampscott, Mass, was apparently given with no quid pro quo and without being forced out of her by White House thugs.

When questioned by reporters, however, Ms Kramer did admit to scrawling the words "Nuke Australia Now" across the front of the $10 dollar bill, in the hopes that the President might "notice it while he was counting up the money, and maybe, thinking it was a good idea or whatever, just fucking do it!"

Jersey Woman Will Not Sue AOL -- Rebecca Kramer, an interior designer from Nutley, New Jersey, announced today that she would not be suing America Online, the online services and child pornography provider to over 8 million animatronic Americans, nationwide.

Said Kramer, "I only log on about once a day at around 1 am to check my email, and I've never had any problems. I'm completely happy with AOL and I plan not to be suing them at all, anytime in the near future, or whenever."

Following the press conference held outside her tree-lined Nutley home, Ms Kramer was deluged with multi-million dollar book deals for the story of her life, and ultimately signed a $40 million dollar 6-picture deal with Paramount, for the film version of the book and 5 sequels -- to star Meryl Streep as Ms Kramer, and Chris Walken as psychopathic AOL CEO, Steve Case.

SF Quakes Subside Momentarily -- The constant San Francisco earthquake, which usually measures a steady 7.3 on the Richter scale, momentarily dropped to about 3.6 early this morning, followed by 2 after-calms of 3.3 and 3.4 only minutes later. Several people were jolted from their beds by the sudden calm, and several cans of Jolt Cola fell off store shelves, knocking several people unconscious.

The calms' epicenter was located about 2 miles north of the San Archer-Daniels-Midland No-Fault Zone.