The Foxification of the Unconscious
Raleigh, NC - (Feb 24) - The heads of all major US cable channels met, early this morning, with the heads of the 3, 4, 5, 6, or however many US broadcast networks, in order to hammer out future policies and programming that would be both, like, mutually beneficial, and, like, optimizing of the cognitive potential of the American viewing public, or whatever.
"It looks like it's gonna be a pretty slow news year," said J. Warner Turner, President of Turner-Warner-Time, Inc., the world's largest distributor of cable kiddie snuff porn variety programming, "And since we have a long standing policy of zero-tolerance for imagination, and a creative workforce that's scared shitless to reveal the slightest secret or make the tiniest Freudian slip of honesty, we've had to work extra-hard to come up with this year's joint cable and network programming lineup."
Turner then called Turner-Warner Vice President in charge of programming, Tina Warner-Turner, to the podium to further describe their joint decision-making process.
"You know," she said, "Having pretty much used up Greek mythology, Geek mythology, comic book heroes, old TV shows, and infantile sex fantasies, it's pretty hard coming up with new kinds of programming to satisfy the diverse cravings of the motherfucking American viewing public. But we did! And we did it without drugs!"
Warner-Turner described the scene in the room as "essentially 75 hi-powered, overweight, over-caffeinated CEO's in 'I'm with stupid' tee-shirts, all standing in a half-circle, pointing to a shit-eating-grinning Rupert Murdoch, whose programming, they had all just realized, in some kind of synchronicitous epiphany, was the only programming they'd really wanna have, if they really wanted to keep their pissed-off shareholders and boards of directors from replacing their asses with, like, ex-Simpson murder trial alternates and Jenny Jones Show refugees."
Then she brought up Dan Rather, who, in between spitting out chunks of other peoples' food, stumbled through a reading of the following partial list of new shows which would all begin immediately, and would rapidly spin off more specialized versions of themselves, over time.
When 6-Year-Old Beauty Queens Attack
When Mike Wallace Attacks Small-Time, Petty Criminal
When Lingerie Attacks
America's Most Sanctimonious Animals
America's Scariest Brain Vapors
America's Creepiest CEOs
When Simpson Trial Jurors Don't Write Books
America's Goofiest Independent Counsels
America's Smarmiest Non-Stop String of Promos
America's Scariest Product Placement Situations
When Alcoholics Attack
America's Stupidest Intelligent Agents
America's Most Cloyingly Insipid Documentary Filmmakers
America's Most Grotesquely Overrated "Independent" Filmmakers
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