After allegedly making about 5 or 6 separate and allegedly really laborious attempts to find alleged evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey murder or whatever case on board the Hubble telescope, Shuttle Astronauts, John Doe 1 and John Doe 2, will return to earth totally empty-handed, today or tomorrow or sometime soon.

"Though we did find some of the missing clues to the Oklahoma City bombing that FBI agents had somehow misplaced," said mission leader, astronaut Joe Smith, "As well as the keys to several vehicles that average citizens had somehow misplaced, -- we really didn't find any new clues to the JonBenet murder or whatever case. Just a lotta, like, handwriting samples, from Mr. Benet or whoever, were scattered all over the telescope, which, by the way, was a real fucking mess."

Smith claimed that, since it was not part of their mission, examining and retrieving the other evidence and just generally cleaning the place up, would be left to the crews of future $10-zillion-dollar-a-pop shuttle flights, "So they'll, like, have something to do when they get up there."

Ken Starr, independent, or whatever, Whitewater persecutor, or whatever, got royally shit-faced, early this morning, in order to give a really kickass speech to the American Bar Association, later this morning.

After wasting everybody's time, and dropping tons of names and droning on and on, Starr eventually got to the point and viciously chastised all the assembled bartenders in the room for, like, too much spitting in peoples' drinks when they weren't looking.

"I know that only a very few of you are actually routinely spitting in peoples' drinks," Starr said, "But, even just a few, will cast doubts on the whole profession. And since we now have Walter Cronkite to go around spitting in peoples' food, and Peter Jennings going around pissing in peoples' soup, and Tom Brokaw going around taking massive dumps in peoples' creme brulees, we hardly need you bartenders out there going around spitting in peoples' drinks. Now do we.

Dan Rather, whose new book, "Diane Sawyer Tossed a Bloody Tampon in My Strawberry Shortcake," is already number one on the Publishers' Clearinghouse Bestsellers list, was unavailable for comment.

Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, continued her free, all-expenses-paid vacation in Europe, courtesy of "The Price is Right." A State Department spokesman, when asked about the trip, just mumbled some stuff about "You know, like, diplomacy and all that shit." Meanwhile, an unnamed source in the White House admitted the trip's main purpose was simply to allow Albright the opportunity to, like, siddle up to world leaders and old school chums, and like, sorta nonchalantly just happen to mention that oh yeah, by the way I'm kinda like the fucking US Secretary of Motherfucking State now, and could, like, fucking blow your head clean off, like, whenever I fucking feel like it. If ya know what I mean.

Multi-fucking zillionaire or whatever Pete or Joe or somebody Dupont, heir to the vast Dupont Chemical Spill and Cancer Corporation, claims he thought that wrestler Dick or Dutch or somebody Shultz, who he shot a few months ago, was really, like, Hulk Hogan or Randy Machoman Savage or somebody like that.

"Shit," said Dupont, sucking the brains out of a live iguana as he spoke to reporters, "If I'd known that was Shultz or whoever, I never wouldda blown the motherfucker's head off. But I thought it was, like, Hulk Hogan or somebody, who, as I understood it, could be legally killed, now that he's switched from, like, being a hero to all the little hulksters out there, and gone, like, all Hollywood an all, and is corrupting people's minds, and terrorizing other wrestlers at the WCW, and is beginning to cast, like, doubts on, like, the whole credibility of, like, the wrestling profession."

Dupont also denied allegations that the whole, like, professional wrestling profession was simply created by, like, Michael Jackson, or someone, just to make himself look, like, almost human or something, by comparison.