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Bush Claims Reformer Mantle; Cites Solid B Average in
Reform School
Wherever - (Feb 9) -
Smirking, coke-snortin', dumbass lightweight good ole
boy Texas Governor, George W. Bush, today, pointed to
his solid B average during a youth spent in and out of
many different reform schools, as proof that he's all
like this cool reformer kinda guy an' all and that
whatever else he claimed to be today, or was it
yesterday, wasn't just a load a bullshit like that load
a bullshit coming from his corrupt lyingass opponent,
what's his name.
"Unlike my lyingass opponent," said Bush firmly, "you
know, whatever."
Forbes Drops Out On Account Of Bein' a Goofyass Creep
Creepy goofyass "publisher" Steve Forbes withdrew from
seeking the Republican presidential nomination today
citing his being a creepy goofyass as possibly the
reason why.
"I guess the American people just aren't ready to have a
creepy goofyass president," said Forbes, who only
yesterday noticed that he was a creepy goofyass. Prior
to that he'd thought he was a real cool guy and that,
apparently, the American people just weren't ready to
have a real cool guy as their president.
McCain Wins Delaware Vote Despite Not Giving A Fuck
About Delaware Voters
Smartass tantrum-boy press-darling John McCain finished
a strong second in the Delaware primary, yesterday,
despite his admission that he really didn't "give a
flying fuck about Delaware or its pathetic little
'primary' or its so-called 'people' who probably don't
even exist, but if they do, can all just, you know, blow
me."
McCain, however, later admitted that he was just kidding
about the flying part. "I don't give any kind of
fuck about Delaware," said McCain, "not just a flying
fuck."
McCain also promised he would always tell the American
people the truth, except when he's lying out his ass.
And that when he is lying out his ass, he would
be totally loyal and honorable and courageous about
lying out his ass about it.
McCain, who claims the 5 years he spent in a North Viet
Namese POW camp helped build his character, stated that
"all Americans should be able to have a similar
experience, and if I'm elected president, they will."
"Disgruntled" "Hackers" Take Credit for Massive DDoS
Attacks
A small network of self-styled "disgruntled" hackers,
calling itself the American Medical Association, today
took credit for the recent series of distributed denial
of service attacks which have shut down such immensely
popular websites as, uhhhh, you know, uhhhhh, what's
their name, and what's their name, and, just hours ago
the very popular, uhh, what's their name.
In their communique, issued earlier today, the
disgruntled hackers stated that they are launching these
attacks because they are, like, all disgruntled over
the web not living up to its immense promise of, like,
click on Jennifer Lopez's ass, be immediately referred
to Jennifer Lopez's proctologist.
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Leading websites embrace over having gotten away so long without anybody
realizing that the difference between being a leading traffic-generating
website and being the object of a self-initiated slo-mo distributed denial of
service attack, is really not much. Not much at all.
FASHION
Everything suddenly out of fashion; people left screaming, naked in drug-sick
night
RELIGION
Missing 5th Horseman of Apocalypse found living quietly in London
BUSINESS
Corporations embrace DoS attacks as worker productivity aid
POLITICS
8th and 9th Deadly Sins, Blackmail and Bribery, mysteriously dropped from
Deadly Sins list centuries ago, mysteriously murdered reporter finds
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