Newt's Cell Call Exposed!
Read It Here!

Tallahassee, FL - (Jan 10) - According to either, sources deep in the bowels of the cellular phone industry, or slimebags skirting the edges of legality and morality, the following cellular phone conversation took place on December 21, 1996, just shortly after, I don't know, something about the ethics committee and Newt Gingrich. Like he'd promised he wouldn't be like an asshole or anything for at least a week, but this transcript proves conclusively that right after he made this promise or whatever, he went out and was not only just an asshole, but was like a really major fucking asshole, and not only that, but a really major asshole over a medium which even a minor asshole can listen in on, record everything you say and then give it to the press so that people think you're an even bigger Fucking Asshole Of The 3rd Kind.

Anyway, here's the transcript, undoctored, unedited, unexpurgated, and nobody in Photoshopped Bruno Malli or whatever shoes, has walked across it, either.

Gingrich: OK, so how am I gonna' get these ethics goons off my ass?

Dick Armey: You know, Newt, I was listening to my old Sisters of Mercy tapes last night, tryin' to come up with a good quote you could use before the House Ethics subcommittee, to let them know how they shouldn't fuck with you -- and so I came up with, uh how about, [sings] "If I can't geh- eht no shell - ter -- Looord, I'm gonna faa aade aaahh - way?"

Gingrich: That's a Stones cover, Dick. I can't quote the Stones in front of the House Ethics Committee. The Stones are fucking commies and liberals -- you know, sex and drug maniacs. Sometimes I think you're really startin' to lose it, Dick -- just like "The Giant" lost it at WCW Starcade '96 on Sunday, December 29th at the LA Kindgome or wherever. D'you catch that one, Dick? I want you to think about what Hulk Hogan did to 'em afterwards.

Armey: Sorry Newt, guess maybe I've been doin' a little too much of that angel dust you sent over with the hookers.

Trent Lott's Wife: Shit, that reminds me of something from the Strawberry Alarm Clock. Something about like, "Would you like to blow your mind, get hung up,.. something.. something." How about that, Newt. You know, the House Ethics Committee is a real sucker for old Strawberry Alarm Clock, or, like, Electric Prunes, or even Blues Magoos. How About "We ain't got nothin' yet," so back off till we do, or something....?

Johnson Navey: That's bullshit, Newt. You just wanna' stonewall it. Use something obscure. Something esoteric. You know, something from Alex Chilton, maybe, "Nel Blu Da Pinto Da Blu" or something. Maybe just say, "Hey guys, -- Volare!" -- and leave it at that.

Gingrich: That's not an Alex Chilton song, asshole. It's a fucking Dominico Modugno cover.

Navey: Sorry, Newt. I was just trying to come up with something. Guess that's why you're the leader. You've got this vast storehouse of profound and esoteric knowledge, that you can just, like, draw on at will, to crush your opponents.

Newt: OK, so we've determined you're all a bunch of losers and I'm the only one with half a brain in this whole party, so I guess it's up to me to come up with some quote. OK, first, it's gotta be something from, like, Killdozer or Superchunk, right?

[a pause during which no one speaks for about 10 seconds]

Gingrich: (rushed sounding ) Look can you guys handle this for a few hours? I'm gettin' antsy to go read some Kirkegaard and Aristotle and some Toffler and a little Toqueville. Then, at 3:00 o'clock, I'm scheduled to have an idea. So get back to me around 5:00. And you better get this thing solved, cause, you know, [sings] "if I don't get no shelter, I'm probably gonna hafta fade away," and then where'll you losers be?

Armey: How about "Sexbomb, sexbomb, sexbomb, I love you."

Gingrich: (noticeably angry): Dick! I've told you before! No Flipper on the House floor!

Dong Marines: You could just get up there and look 'em all straight in the eye, and say, "And in the words of Einsturzende Neubauten..." -- then just open your mouth and let out some loud piercing chainsaw screeching sound for 3-5 minutes. Then say "Long Live America, and Long Live the Republican Party," and stride confidently off the stage. Case closed.

The transcript ends there, and, as history notes, the Speaker stood before the House Ethics Committee and told them how he, in the words of David Crosby, "knows the door, that --- shuts just before -- you get to the dream."

Though some people close to the podium, claimed that, under his breath, he was muttering, "Yet a wave of his hands ... enough, enough, enough, enough... to get her back again."